


If I'm to Die

by AndraLondon09



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AOT Week, Afterlife, Angst, Crying, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, Love Letters, Sad, Tears, True Love, aot - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29814810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndraLondon09/pseuds/AndraLondon09
Summary: You find out who the Titan shifters are, and Bertholdt sends you a confession letter.
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Reader, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	If I'm to Die

**Author's Note:**

> Small letter one shot. If you enjoyed my work, please check my stuff out here or on wattpad (small preference to wattpad bc of comment section lol) but I still love it here. Thank you all.

Dear (Y/N), 

I tried writing this multiple times, so please excuse any choppiness, wordiness, and repetition. 

Not long ago, Reiner yelled at me and he said to only carry what was necessary. In other words, “Carry what you can take ''. Of Course, I had to pack as much paper as I could. I couldn't go on without  ~~talking~~ -writing to you. By now, Ymir most likely delivered this letter to you. That, or someone found it, read it, and gave it to you. Or maybe a complete stranger is reading this in which I ask of you to please hand this to their respective recipient. Whichever one seems to fit the scenario, I suppose. I hated leaving you and I think that that’s what I’ll hate the most while being away from you. You made me feel ways I can’t write down on paper or talk through. It’s mainly a feeling; that’s what it is. You make me feel safe (as ironic as our job was) when I was with you, I felt at ease. Whenever we were grouped for missions, I always had Reiner and the commanders know that I worked best with you. Not questioning me (thankfully), I was fortunate enough to work by your side. But whenever you were placed in another team or section, I  _ hated  _ it. I always felt restless, incomplete, incompetent, and everything unpleasant that is yet to be mentioned. I think Reiner caught on to this, so eventually, he’d also have you join our team so that I wouldn’t blow our cover. 

We were young when they had us become Titan’s. It felt like a century at times whereas on some days, it felt like it was just yesterday. But with you, I felt in the present. No concept of time occupied my thoughts whenever we talked. Even when you were with me, little to no worries came to me because I knew you were there with me and I knew you’d be (somewhat) safe. That was something I always wanted to provide for you. Of course, on missions, it was incredibly difficult to stay by your side at all times because we all had our own responsibilities. I always dreaded working on missions where you weren’t by my side. I hope you can forgive me and my words for what I have said.

  
  


As you are probably aware, you already know about us and our initial intentions. It was never a part of me that I was ever proud of. In fact, I think it is my worst part. One that even I struggle with. I wish not to cause a burden of thoughts upon you with my words and memories, so I will keep those details off in this letter. I would also like to apologize again for side-tracking and writing too much. I am writing as I pour my direct thoughts on paper so I hope it isn’t as messy or a chore as I think it is to read. 

  
  


Remember that night during one of our trainings where Reiner got sick eating something Sasha offered him? He was too sick that evening to even talk, so we had him lay down and sleep with a cold rag on his forehead that you said was better to be safe than sorry (preventing a fever). When he had calmed down, you suggested we get some fresh air to ‘relieve’ ourselves from the closed room. Following you, I always agreed. You took me up on a hill top where we could see the moon and the stars that looked like they were an arm’s reach away. We spent so much time talking that night, that I hold deep fond memories of. Every time we share moments like these, know that it was always me. It has been; and that I never lied to you except my identity. I feel a sickening pit of regret at the bottom of my stomach when I think of this. I wish I could have told you sooner. If only I had the courage to do so; maybe things would have been different. 

  
  


That night, you had suggested we sneak into Captain Levi’s personal room. As you had heard that he had a secret stash of dried teas, you thought it was the perfect opportunity to use that tea for Reiner. Initially, I opposed, and now that I think about it, I still have no idea how you managed to convince me. It felt like you already had this planned. Sneaking in, we were almost caught twice. We did manage to get those herbs before we almost got caught. That was when you decided it was best for us to run, and I still followed you. With the emotions that came in at that moment along with adrenaline, so did my appreciation for you. I wanted more of this. More moments like these, careless, fun, where no war or death surrounded us. You made me realize that that’s what I have always wanted. That’s what I’ve always wanted all along. 

  
  


_ You _ . 

  
  


My realization started from back then until now where I continue to feel the same way about you. My appreciation, respect, and heart will always be with you. Even if you don’t feel the same after what happened, that’s fine. I wanted these feelings out of my chest for you to hear, regardless if you recognize my feelings for you or not. I do though, live with one regret. And that regret was that I never got to tell you directly how I felt about you. The second regret was that I wish I could have told you the truth about me sooner. 

You are  _ not  _ what I was warned about. Growing up, I have been told that Eldians were devils, the worst of all. Awful, rotten, and malicious. I see that now, those were all lies. 

  
  


_ You were far from that.  _

  
  


You were everything  _ but  _ that. You held compassion, empathy, determination, and logic- just like I did. The similarities that you and I shared along with all our members, made me see eye to eye: that we were all lied to. We were lied to and we lied about ourselves. I don’t think I’ll ever be set free from this, but I hope you understand what I feel. 

As my letter will be coming to an end, (who knows when I’ll ever write to you or if this is the last you will ever hear from me) but I hope this letter finds you well. I hope you’re not cold during the nights, or go hungry through your days. I hope that you are in good health- well and alive. Always. No second thoughts will ever cross my mind if I have to do anything that will ensure your well-being. I always will.

I love you. I always have and will always continue to. A piece of me will always rest with the moments we shared together. Through those long nights, and exhausting days. I will always hold your memory dear to my heart. And I want you to know that. Please take care of yourself. If in the future, or in the next life we ever do see each other, I dream that you are one of the first people I see. 

  
  


Always with you, 

  * Bertholdt H. 



* * *

  
  
  
  



End file.
